Jermaine ‘Defraud’s’ Hand Job On Young Boys: Where Is The Outrage?
ByLet’s face it – on any other day, the title of this article would be on a docket at the local Magistrate’s court down Seven Sisters Road.
The arraignment session in Court 14 will be filled by lawyers of Jermaine Defoe, Tottenham Hotspur, the FA, UEFA and the various media companies who have a reputation to defend.
“Motion for separation, your honour”, the £700 an hour bespectacled lawyer for Sky Sports would demand. “This perverse charge has nothing to do with us and my client resents being kettled into the position of defending our reputation with this group of uncouth defendants”.
“But he’s British and that’s why it’s no crime”, you can here another lawyer shouting from 4 deep.
The prosecutor, acting on behalf of the interest of the fair minded football loving public and for the interest of the integrity of the game tries again to stipulate the charges amidst the jeers and commotion in the gallery caused by the press corps.
“Your honour, all the defendants are accused of a systematic, calculated and deliberate attempt to show bias, prejudice, xenophobia, favouritism and breath-taking hypocrisy. They have brought the game into disrepute by continuing to mask the cheating that is blatant in the game, and by continuing to turn a blind eye when that cheating is perpetrated by an Englishman”.
“But your honour, my client challenges the jurisdiction of this court on the grounds that Southwark Crown court is already dealing with my client’s business” interjects one goateed and shaven headed lawyer from within the group as the gallery erupts in cheer.
“order, order, order”, the magistrate bellows as he hammers the plank by his side to try and recapture the sanity of his court room. “Who on earth are you representing?” he asks the goateed lawyer with a firm but bewildered look.
“The Tottenham manager your honour”, the reply follows.
“Can someone tell this idiot this court doesn’t deal with tax matters”, the magistrate demands as he looks for the court clerk as if to remind her to make sure those in front of the bench understand why they’re actually in court.
“So let me clarify this”, the magistrate continues while facing the prosecutor. “So who among these defendants actually benefited from the hand job against the Young Boys?”
“Your honour”, the prosecutor responds. “We submit to you that The Tottenham no. 18 Mr. Defoe was the primary culprit who used his hand to shaft the Young Boys, and the co-accused media defendants are all collectively responsible for colluding in that crime by refusing to be fair at the reporting of such heinous acts against association football”.
“Are the people able to meet the burden of proof?”, the magistrate enquires.
“We have comprehensive footage of the crime your honour”, the prosecutor replies with a tint of a smile, “both from the broadcasters as well as the official Tottenham match DVD which is already on sale at the club shop and website. Your honour, we also have precedence to illustrate the systematic and breath-taking bias shown by the English media in favour of English players, especially the divers like Mr. Rooney and Mr. Gerrard who are referred to as being ‘very clever’ instead of the cheats they are. The people will also be submitting crucial evidence against the media in the cases of Mr. Thierry Henry and Mr. Eduardo Da Silva who the media treated like the anti-Christ after similar offenses”.
“But Talk Sport is the no. 1 commercial radio station in the country”, a voice shouts from behind the throng of lawyers. “Surely, we have the right to create controversy in the interest of the English game when the player is not an Englishman? Enough with the bloody foreigners we say. They have caused the English national team to become a laughing stock around the world”.
“Order, Order” the magistrate shouts amidst the cheers and clapping from the gallery. “Bailiff, throw that ginger haired man and his Talk Shite out of my court room”, the magistrate demands in fury.
“But your honour”, the legal aid lawyer acting on behalf of the BBC demands. “We have done nothing wrong and our commentator even challenged the fairness of the situation and pointed out that if the Young Boys had had the helping hand, there would be absolute fury across the country for an English team being denied a chance at European football at the hands of a foreign team and a foreign referee”.
“Save your nonsense for the jury”, the magistrate barks back at the BBC lawyer. “Clerk, set the date for trial. NEXT!”
“Docket number EFJ21468 – the crown vs ….”, we hear as the camera fades out.
I forget what this post was about….LOL! Yeah! Cheating and the blatant disregard of this supposed crime against association football.
Where is the outrage, or didn’t we just see Jermaine ‘Defrauding’ the Young Boys with a blatant hand job.
I wonder what would happen if it was Thierry Henry or Eduardo on the end of that shot. Or if it was Arsenal playing Celtic for a place in the group stages of the Champions League.
Tue 13th September 2011; 19:45, Dortmund
Title is fucking brilliant!!
hahaha this is gold! the greatest part obviously being the part about “the official match DVD” haha. Quality post.
Don’t think I’ll read a better piece all day. First class, and so undeniably true.
now we really know what happens when its not Arsenal nothing,treated like a joke,well done itv no witch hunt…proof if proof were needed anti Arsenal media..tossers the lot of them…media scum
Absolutely world-class! Forget the title (which is brilliant) the article is, from start to finish an outstanding piece. Taking nothing away from your website, perhaps you should be wriing in a more main stream publication. First class sir!
Hehe. Great stuff, Darius.
Exactly Darius…where are all the media hypocrites? I bet they’re going to come out saying he’s a genius.
Be fair, let’s face it, the spuds are the biggest bunch of hand jobbers on the planet.
How can they tell the difference beween one on the pitch and one, well, one wherever else they do one?
Don’t know how you managed to put all that together so soon after the match! You are a genius! Very funny and so very true! Take a bow!!!!
You are clearly a dedicated reader of Charles Dickens. A fantastic piece of writing, on a par with Bleak House!!!
brilliant piece. you should sent it to the Newspaper, worth reading then those written by Jamie or Leo.
Brilliant. Although so depressing – what an awful, institutionally xenophobic scummy press we have.
Perhaps there is no outrage because Jermaine didn’t market himself as this great bastian of fair play?
It is a good read I have to say – very enjoyable.
But a few points:
1. If you are talking about shafting young boys – shouldn’t that be directed at paedo Wenger.
2. As blatant as actually using your hand – as per Mr Thierry and Mr Diego – I don’t think so. (Looked lilke he was trying to chest it and it hit his arm – but of course I am bias).
3. If you lot want to hark back about how we haven’t won nothing for years, we can also go back in time to the blatant cheating and skullduggery that first got you into the big leagues early part of last century.
4. And if we are talking about not winning anything for years – don’t you think its about time you looked at yourself and realised that you have won FA for 6 years (excluding all that silverware your laides have won of course – well, you have to have something in that cabinet of yours in the shiny new stadium).
5. Perhaps there is no outrage because you haven’t thought you would win anything in the last 6 years – oh, sorry, you seem to think that every year – in wenger we trust – right, he has really done the biz recently.
Don’t be bitter – we are not going to tell you we will win this that and the other, like you do every year, but we will enjoy our time with the big boys – even if it only lasts 6 games. I know you can’t bear that, but hey – its a fact now.
why not spend your time writing to AW – someone needs to tell him how to get you winning things again – and not to rely on the young boys all the time.
enjoy your season
The second handball from sp*rs in two consecutive games.
The tiny totts need protection from the xenophopic English press otherwise they would have been relegated a long time ago. Well done Darius for showing what a bunch of useless hypocrites the media is.
There I was thinking you lot didn’t give a fuck.how wrong,green eyed heartless bullroots that can’t fight on or of the pitch.I am glad David rocastles dead
Has anybody here ever bothered posting on a spud site?
No?
Thought not.
I love the way Arseholes are so worried about Spurs that they feel they need to conduct a mini campaign over something so pathetic. What were you guys all sitting in hope in front of the tv last night hoping spurs would lose?
Get over it. No one cares about what Defoe did because Henry is far worse. prior to his handball, he would always criticise anyone who didn’t follow in his and Wenger idology of fair play. However, when the shoe is on the other foot, either you didn’t see it or it’s somehow different. Go fcuk yourselves.
Pure class, these people. They make the chavs look decent.
Why do sppurs fans read arsenal blogs? I don’t understand it I have never once in my life managed to miraculously find myself on a spuds blog! Its strange how they seem to pop up every day moaning and dribbling about some shit on arsenal blogs fuck off and read your own. Teams blogs and worry about your 6 games in the champs leaugue with the big boys because that’s all its going to be yid scum!
Darius, great piece of writing. Oh boy! The Spurds are out. Who let the Dogs out…? Who? Who? Who?
LOL at the spuds leaving comments here feeling all butthurt
Anything that gets a rise out of these poor insecure fools has achieved its objective imo. I suppose years of trailing in our shadow can do that to anyone lol!
Thanks Darius. You’re a genius.
“but your honour” the attorney for the defendant continued “How can one be charged with bringing the game into disrepute when in fact my client is English and personifies said game. We as a country invented the sport, and our players define it. Therefore, the game may never be brought into disrepute by a player of such heritage.”